Parenting

While it is true that there is no perfect parent and no perfect parenting manual, there are some things we do know that might be helpful to you. Just like adults, children have needs. The problem with children is that they lack the experience or the capacity to communicate those needs and they cannot fulfill those needs for themselves. When parents are not aware of their child’s needs, they often make the mistake of reacting to the symptom of the need instead of addressing the need or problem itself. Every child is different and not every need or approach may be different for each child. Please proceed to take this advice with the guidance of the spirit.

Need #1

1)    Contact and Belonging

a)     This need is prevalent even in adults. We feel the need to belong to something greater or belong to a community. As adults we also have the need of physical contact from a loved one.

b)    Child’s mistaken approach: Undo attention/acting out

c)     Parental Approach: Offer Contact freely and Teach to contribute in the home

Some parents believe that love should be earned and not freely given. This way of thinking can actually be very harmful to the child. Children can contribute at home through every day chores.

Need #2

1)    Power

a)     It is not wrong for a child to feel the need to have some control over their lives. They need to be able to use their agency.

b)    Child’s mistaken approach: Rebellion and controlling others. None of these give a feeling of power, but it does give a sense of it.

c)     Parental approach:  Response*ability (Choices + Consequences)

d)    Historically: during World War ll there were 14 democratic governments and the rest were ruled under a monarchy. During that time, you were only told to obey to survive. People were not in the habit of making choices for themselves and dealing with the consequences of those actions. How different would the world have been during that time if more than half of the world was not ruled under a monarchy?

e)    Consequences: As the child learns to face the consequences of their actions it will help them develop their brain, learn that there are consequences for all of their actions, and give them an example of how to raise their own kids someday. There are three situations in which a child would not have the capability to make certain decisions.

i)       If the choice is too dangerous for the child’s safety

ii)     If the consequences of the choice are too far off for the child to learn (such as skipping school for 5 years)

iii)   If the consequence of that choice can be harmful to others

Need #3

1)    Withdrawal

A)    The child needs to learn that sometimes it is ok to take a break if it is small and you go back to work immediately afterwards.

B)    Child’s mistaken approach: Under avoidance. Such as not talking to their parents on a regular basis and avoid family activates.

C)    Parental approach: teach the child to take a break and then go back

            This will help the child identify limits and get energy

            Relieve frustration

            A child can be more effectively taught if the parent works together, takes a break                        together, goes back to work together

Need #4

i)      Challenge

      This need is often unmet when parents try to take away all obstacles from a         child’s way so the child can more effortlessly succeed. This leaves the child      feeling incompetent.

a)     Child’s mistaken approach: Undo risk taking

b)    Parental Approach: Skill building. This can be done by participating in a diverse    amount of activities with the child. A parent can also get their children             involved in extracurricular activities that are of interest to the child.

Need #5

2)    Protection

      Besides physical protection, a child also needs reassurance and learn how to deal with other emotional threats. Such as bullies.

a)     Child’s mistaken approach: Revenge

b)    Parental approach: Assertiveness + Forgiveness (do not let feelings of hurt continue)