Communication
When people are asked what they would value the most in a relationship, the most common answer you can expect may be communication. Why would people value communication so much? I think that we really don't know how to communicate our express our feelings anymore. It is kind of sad to think about how we now need books to teach us how to properly speak to one another. Why is it so much harder for us to communicate now than it was in the past? It is possible that the increase in use of technology. We communicate with just our words through text. Right now as you are reading this you are only getting roughly 14% of the message I am trying to communicate. Another possible reason we are not so great at communicating now, may be because of modern social cues such as throwing hints and hoping someone else will get or understand them. Another thing that might be interfering with our ability to communicate is sarcasm, passive aggressiveness or giving the silent treatment. To connect with someone more intimately there has to be a higher level of communication.
High Levels of Communication consist of:
1. Empathy
This is probably one of the most important aspects of communication. If you were communicating with someone, but had no empathy towards them or their feelings. They would close themselves off to you and you would end up conversing with yourself. There are a few ways to build empathy in a conversation.
a. The disarming technique:
The best example I can think of to explain this is in The Book of Mormon, in the book of Alma chapter 61:2-3. Captain Moroni was trying to defend his city from the lamanites who wanted to kill his people and take the living as slaves. Captain Moroni had sent several epistles (letters) to his friend Pahoran, to which he received no answer. Moroni began condemning Pahoran and accusing him of being on the wrong side of the battle. What Moroni didn't know was that Pahoran's city was rebelling and had his hands tied. Pahoran could have become defensive and snapped back at Moroni, but he found what we call the kernel of truth. Pahoran congratulated and thanked Moroni for his loyalty to the Lord and his faithfulness in doing what the Lord had asked. Instead of focusing on how he was treated unfairly he focused on what was true. Then he calmly explained what happened, his desires to help, and his appreciation for his friend. When you begin to argue with someone you prove them right and the moment you get defensive you almost force the other person to fight with you. To disarm someone else you need to lay down your weapons first.
b. Express empathy:
A great way for someone else to feel empathy is when we don't try to change that person's opinion or thoughts. Sometimes people just appreciate being heard out. Validate their feelings when they are upset "I am so sorry, that must have been very hard for you", "That must be very frustrating, I know this has been bothering you for a while". A mistake we often tend to make is that we don't say what is bothering us at the moment, we keep it to ourselves until we react to all that built up emotion.
c. Inquiry:
Make sure to repeat what the other person said to make sure you understood them correctly and ask clarifying questions. "Did I get that right?", "Tell me more about it".
2. Assertiveness:
Try using this formula to express yourself when you are upset, happy, irritated, grateful, sad, or excited. When event/situation I felt/feel emotion, not judgement because thoughts based on feeling and I would like hope. An example would look like this; When you made that joke with your friends I felt humiliated and hurt, because I thought that you care more about getting a laugh out of your friends than how I feel and I would like it if you could run that joke by me before hand next time. I think we would be surprised at how much might change if we did this more often.
A problem that you might run into, especially if you are like me, is having a hard time acknowledging that we are upset. We often don't like feeling upset or negatively towards others, but if we find that kernel of truth it will be a lot easier to work those problems out.
3. Respect:
It is always important to express some sort of genuine/authentic admiration or appreciation towards the person you are arguing with. You don't want them to think that you are spiteful or hate them. It is a lot easier for a person to change and improve when they feel genuine love from the person bringing things to their attention
Remember that it is ok to be upset or angry, but only when you use those emotions to find solutions to the problems you are having. Control that anger and don't let the anger take control of you.
High Levels of Communication consist of:
1. Empathy
This is probably one of the most important aspects of communication. If you were communicating with someone, but had no empathy towards them or their feelings. They would close themselves off to you and you would end up conversing with yourself. There are a few ways to build empathy in a conversation.
a. The disarming technique:
The best example I can think of to explain this is in The Book of Mormon, in the book of Alma chapter 61:2-3. Captain Moroni was trying to defend his city from the lamanites who wanted to kill his people and take the living as slaves. Captain Moroni had sent several epistles (letters) to his friend Pahoran, to which he received no answer. Moroni began condemning Pahoran and accusing him of being on the wrong side of the battle. What Moroni didn't know was that Pahoran's city was rebelling and had his hands tied. Pahoran could have become defensive and snapped back at Moroni, but he found what we call the kernel of truth. Pahoran congratulated and thanked Moroni for his loyalty to the Lord and his faithfulness in doing what the Lord had asked. Instead of focusing on how he was treated unfairly he focused on what was true. Then he calmly explained what happened, his desires to help, and his appreciation for his friend. When you begin to argue with someone you prove them right and the moment you get defensive you almost force the other person to fight with you. To disarm someone else you need to lay down your weapons first.
b. Express empathy:
A great way for someone else to feel empathy is when we don't try to change that person's opinion or thoughts. Sometimes people just appreciate being heard out. Validate their feelings when they are upset "I am so sorry, that must have been very hard for you", "That must be very frustrating, I know this has been bothering you for a while". A mistake we often tend to make is that we don't say what is bothering us at the moment, we keep it to ourselves until we react to all that built up emotion.
c. Inquiry:
Make sure to repeat what the other person said to make sure you understood them correctly and ask clarifying questions. "Did I get that right?", "Tell me more about it".
2. Assertiveness:
Try using this formula to express yourself when you are upset, happy, irritated, grateful, sad, or excited. When event/situation I felt/feel emotion, not judgement because thoughts based on feeling and I would like hope. An example would look like this; When you made that joke with your friends I felt humiliated and hurt, because I thought that you care more about getting a laugh out of your friends than how I feel and I would like it if you could run that joke by me before hand next time. I think we would be surprised at how much might change if we did this more often.
A problem that you might run into, especially if you are like me, is having a hard time acknowledging that we are upset. We often don't like feeling upset or negatively towards others, but if we find that kernel of truth it will be a lot easier to work those problems out.
3. Respect:
It is always important to express some sort of genuine/authentic admiration or appreciation towards the person you are arguing with. You don't want them to think that you are spiteful or hate them. It is a lot easier for a person to change and improve when they feel genuine love from the person bringing things to their attention
Remember that it is ok to be upset or angry, but only when you use those emotions to find solutions to the problems you are having. Control that anger and don't let the anger take control of you.
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